Thursday, April 28, 2005

How to kill a Lion - banking style

ICICI method:
hire a lion give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary .
Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, location every
6 months.
Remove all lions above 40 from the organization or rename them " Goats ".
If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day,
when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle.
lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring.

HDFC method:
hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat .
give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat.
he will die eventually of hope and starvation.

Citi method:
hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score
> 60% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40 kg
lion dies of the strain?

ABN AMRO method:
hire the lion. give him high impossible targets and expect a premature
delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a
town hall and if not delivered humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies of
excitement or starts behaving like Tom hanks in Terminal.

IDBI method:
hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
Show him suspense thriller "Reverse merger of your Jungle - Part III"

the lion dies before joining....

StanChart method:
hire a lion, motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle.
Load him with impractical targets and if he finds the prey
ensure jackals in the jungle snatch the prey and credit
lion dies in oblivion......

Kotak method....
hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume.
Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable
If he survives in the system reward him with a hefty bonus else if he leaves
profit of the bank improves along with EPS...

DCB Method:
Hire a lion and make him wonder, why he is hired....